What to avoid, part 2 (player agency)
Bob: “Stak’or sneaks around the corner with his dagger ready.”
DM: “The wizard rolls a 19 on perception and isn’t surprised. He casts Hold Person on Stak’or. Roll a Wisdom saving throw.”
Bob: “I got a 12.”
DM: “You failed and are now paralyzed. You can’t do anything until the spell is broken.”
Bob pouts, complains, and zones out during everyone else’s turns until combat ends.
This scenario only happened to me once while DMing for kids. That was enough. Player agency is critically important for youngsters—especially those new to the game. Paralysis doesn’t just remove them from the action; it undercuts one of the great lessons D&D teaches: that they can influence their own fate.
Older kids can often stay engaged through a hold or sleep effect. Younger kids often struggle with the “team” aspect of the party, so when they can’t act, they disconnect. Some fidget, some walk away until “their turn” again, and some cause a fuss.
As parents and teachers, we value role-playing partly because it helps kids grow into people who believe they can make choices. Stripping that away teaches the opposite.
In my games I mostly remove or ignore spells and attacks that most directly kill agency—no Sleep, no Hold Person, and so on. Monsters that paralyze are rare and always telegraphed so the party can prepare.
Another option when parents or older kids are at the table: let them be the targets of choice-killing magic. They can model how to handle it, and the younger players learn by watching.
Or if you only have two or three players, a short encounter with limited lockdown can be manageable—especially with an experienced DM.
Do you have techniques to soften agency-disruption? How do you know when a child is ready for those effects?